Let no man separate...

The union in matrimony

Marriage has been an institution to extend and to grow family relations and empires for the reason of keeping and managing wealth, strengthening the community and preserving ancestral rites , cultural and traditional norms. The keepers and the drivers of this institution were the guardians of family culture, religion and traditions, these keepers were the elders (grandparents) and the day to day teachers and administrators of family law (parents).

In marriage a tie is weaved between two families and relations are forged as one family extend itself to another by a union of two members, this merger is not solely about the individuals it’s a collective effort and every member must have an input, influence and participation on some level based on the position they occupy on the family tree.

Love is not a requirement for marriage it is a seal, marriage is basically a union of individual but it  also involves the entire family and the latter must form a big block when choices are made by individuals, the decision and the choices does not and should not start with love and affection but with a need. A need of the individual must be aligned with that of the family and this will eventually extend to the community. Love is the results of the equilibrium which means when all needs are inline; sensible and progressive then love becomes the outcome and a bond that will keep all relations intact and prosperous.

Marriage is not part of a natural developmental process or of a natural growth cycle, it’s more of a social aspect and societal orientation driven by traditional norms and expectation, those that have found partners that are suitable, physically and spiritually compatible, culturally and traditionally similar in orientation will do well to unite in matrimony for the benefit of the family and the society at large. The same goes to the families, those who find a suitable and compatible family to extend relation with, strengthen ties and forge merges based on progressive attributes will do well to unite in customary and traditional laws for the benefit of the couple.

The strength of the union of two people lies in the family structure, the family will serve as a court law in times of disputes, it will be a symbol of identity for the generations, it will serve as an institution of cultural and traditional learning and it will give shade and shelter in those days of need and despair and it will be the police and the enforcer of customary law. The family is the museum and a cultural institute preserving historical knowledge.

Those who are united in matrimony must understand that love and happiness are revolving and peripatetic by their own nature; one will one day wake up and feel the discouraging distance of love and the discomforting pain of an evaporating joy, the absence of these delicacies does not always mean the tree is dying or suggest separation it could also mean a new cycle is ending or it is a beginning of a new season. The pleasure of an apple is the flesh that we chew away but the real joy is the release of the seed trapped in that flesh and its possibility to continue the cycle of life so is marriage, the preservation of an institution that will bring forth good fruits that will preserve our cultural, traditional and religious traits and make us a nation amongst nations.  Not every union will be progressive and successful; it is well known that not every seed will become a tree.

Those who wish and yearn for the union must understand that it is important to choose the values you want your union to be based on, there two main categories that most of the choices you make will fall under one being family orientated and the other being individually orientated. By family orientated I mean here the merger of the two families this means to align your interest and needs with those of your family to strengthen the community, the community here means extended family which are normally called relatives or in-laws. There is nothing as apparent as an entity of good, just like light even if it is denied it just shines through for all to see and admire secretly or openly, a pair of eyes can never be enough to conclude on the good that has been found or discovered. If you have found someone whom you think is good and suitable to unite with in flesh and in thought let the greater family participate and aid with certain aspect leading to a process of courtship. Family here does not necessarily mean blood relatives only, all people are related it is just not possible to know all your relatives, it could be a leader in a community, it could be a perfect stranger, the point is test and scrutinise what know by engaging people in the know because knowledge is not static.

“inglela ibuzwa kwaba phambili”…isiZulu proverb. This means if and when you have to go to an initiation school it is better to ask those whom were not only there but became the epitome of what this institution is all about.

Marriage is like money, it has made some people rich, it has made some people poor, it gave some people joy, some people are killed for it and when you don’t have it you want it and when you have it you want something else…one of my early rabbis used to say.

People often say there is no formula for a successful marriage I don’t know how true is that, in my limited knowledge and experience all marriages are successful meaning that the result will match the effort in most cases. The marriages that I know to be unsuccessful are the ones broken by natural death, the rest are broken by the efforts of the people in the union, the wrong foundation from the beginning, the non-communal individual interests and expectations, lack of commitment and discipline and the general disrespect and disregard of customary laws and traditions.

The religious will tell us that marriage is instituted by the Al-Mighty and this I will understand to some degree, during the separation of man in the book of Genesis the union was the first principle, before the two there was one meaning when they finally united to create the one like them it was a re-union. When the man now a male said “a flesh of my flesh and a bone of my bones ” it was a reference to this union and a confirmation of the re-union. It is also stated that a man(female) was presented to a man(male) like all the animals that were presented and given names by a man, this to me represent a gift or an offer, my understanding is that when you offer a gift to someone you make sure it is suitable, likable, enjoyable, good, timely, relevant and will have an everlasting impact to the receiver. Throughout the holy bible men and women who were servants of the Al-mighty and were successful in their path were presented with their spouses, if seal to your union is rooted in religion you will do well to scholarly consult the manual of that religion and meditate upon its revelations.

It was just last week that he who employed me in my formal occupation was celebrating a year of jubilee (25 years) in marriage; he further told that his was a traditionally arranged union as it was a norm in India in those days and it is still practiced even today i am told. He further said the seal to the union was the shared love of literature apart from common cultural, traditional and religious traits coupled with an active and live family influence. There must be that alignment that ties blood and water together, was is it not in a wedding that water(purity) was transformed to wine(blood/fire) after it was apparent that the wedding was about to fall apart or come to an abrupt end?

Not everyone will succeed in matrimony, not everyone is equipped and able to join, grow, sustain and progress in such confined and defined relationship. for some it might be because they were born like that, for many it could be because of other people disabling them in various ways and for others it could be because of their own choices of dedicating their lives and efforts to alternative life styles…

“Let the one who is able to receive this receive it…”Mathew 19:12 - The bible